Spreading Butter

I had a dream last night. It wasn't a perfect world, but one that was a little better than the one we lived in.

Everything around me was unbelievable. A Chinese became the prime minister of Malaysia, Eva went broke and worked as a maid in my house, my dad became very good at expressing his feelings, and I worked as a successful lawyer.

But I didn't realize I was in a dream until I woke up early at 7 plus for breakfast, and realized... that the butter wouldn't spread properly on my bread.

Butter in granules? That's impossible.

Funny, isn't it? Being oblivious to the obvious and catch on to the little details instead. It's like Harry Potter catching the snitch in his shoot-the-ball-through-a-hoop-on-a-flying-broom game. Why he catches something so small and fast instead of the bigger balls remains a mystery to me.

Anyway, why have I trailed on like that? The desire for me to record everything and yet not get to the main point, maybe that's why I don't do well in exams.

Alright, the main point. Eva. She grew up a lot after she was forced to work as a maid in my house. She developed to be the dignified yet kind type, a strange combination. And she lost weight too! Why was she so ostracized in my dream? Perhaps it had something to do with being resentful after she condemned me having the mentality of a 18 year old boy before I went to bed; that actually coming from the girl with uncontrollable hormones fuelling an excitable personality which made her like a 15 year old.

Anyway, for me to have a dream like that to get back at her, maybe she was right in a way. But where was I? Ah yes, Eva. My best friend fell in love with her and they got together. Things got complicated because she worked in my house. Although I'm usually the keep-things-simple kind of guy, this one fascinated me. When I looked at her and pondered, she always gave me a gentle, caring smile, like Alice (who would then go 'meh si?'), instead of that 'stop looking at me you pervert' glaze.

Eventually, I fell in love with her too. Personally, this was perhaps the most unbelievable thing in my dream compared to reality.

Everything in the alternate reality fell apart after my realization with spreading butter. The world fell into a gloomy mood, as if it was reluctant to let me go. Or was me who was reluctant to leave? Anyway, Eva interrupted me.

"Your dad wants to talk to you."

"Um, ok."

I walked to the living room.

"Sup dad?"

"Richard, this thing between you and Eva, you've got to stop. She's together with your best friend."

"This is a dream."

He opened his mouth but was too surprised to say anything. Cliché, huh? I must have a poor imagination for my sub-conscious to churn out something so stereotypic. Anyway...

"First of all, yes it's a dream. But that's not the point. The important thing is, my dad would wish for my happiness above everyone else, sometimes even when it's a little selfish. Because he loves me that much. Besides, mum said she left another guy for dad. I don't think my real dad is that hypocritical."

The illusion vanished.

Everything else around me in the house started to dissolve. Like gas.

Except her.

"Hey Eva."

She smiled. Man, that smile was so unreal. Eva. Gentle. Sweet. Those things don't match. Either that, or there's a part of her I don't know yet. Strangely, deep inside I was pinning for the latter.

She continued smiling. Like she was saying a silent goodbye.

"I don't know why I bother saying this, it's a dream, and confessing this is still talking to myself."

I felt bad to belittle things in that dream. Yes, it was an illusion. Yes, I felt confused and lashed out, condemning everything around as being fake. But it made me guilty. It was as though I was being ungrateful to this world which was so kind to me regardless of itself knowingly of not being real. Perhaps some of it were even reflections of my desires.

I continued talking.

"... but I want you to know that I always cared for you, it wasn't because you were nice in this dream. I assume you know how Eva treats me in real life. Yet, I'm not kind to her because I have to, it's because I want to."

I didn't think she bought that. A tear rolled down her cheek. I could tell by then that she was straining herself to smile continually like that, struggling to retain that beauty before me until the very end. Christ, even an illusion is trying so hard to be strong. I smiled inside, knowing that the real Eva would cringe her face and give me an awkward look instead to such words of mine.

I frowned. At that moment, the scales of truth outweighed reluctance for me.

"Eva, there's something you should know. You probably already do, because you're a part of my sub-conscious, but I still feel I have to say it."

I sighed.

"The reason I'm so kind to you in reality is because I went through your hard drive. Yes, I'm sorry to have invaded your privacy and yes, I read your MSN conversation 'worst day of my life' with John. I understand if you hate me for it. But I don't regret doing it. I discovered how he cheated on you and slept with another girl. I'm sure you cried your heart out too, but unlike most other girls, you didn't lose yourself or lash out furiously and reply with some self-serving love quote like 'how could you do this to me' or 'I don't deserve something like this'. Instead, you remained strong to the very end. Not just for his sake, not for your pride, but for the both of you. Because your time together really meant something. You offered him another chance. You showed warmth and forgiveness when it was needed the most. And forgiveness is the most tender part of love. And to someone who in my opinion, didn't really deserve it."

"I realized only then that your heart was only pretending to be cold and harsh to the outside world. And that sometimes by doing so it hurts you as well. But you had to, that's one of your few emotional defences against getting hurt. It's stupid, but I cried myself to sleep that night because I was very touched. It was always about me before that. People not appreciating, people returning unkindness for sincerity. You made me realize that I wasn't the only one. And somehow I feel so much more deeply for your sadness compared to my own, as though my own sadness was nothing. You're capable of loving faithfully, dependably, steadfast, unlike most girls your age who waver easily. It's something people would never guess from your bubbly personality. That there's a deep richness in your love, something you don't reveal to the outside world. Something you preserve exclusively for the one you're waiting for. I feel like we're the same type sometimes, and I take care of you because I feel protective of my own kind. You remind me a lot about myself in that sense. Deep inside, you're actually a good person. As good as God intended you to be. That's who you are in the real world."

Her face beamed, thriving on that moment, as though her existence was gambled on that confession. The real Eva might have murdered me after such a confession.

I gave her a fond pat on the head, as though I would pat Eva in real life, who would then back off away from my hand with hostility. I felt that she deserved to be treated equally, even though she was an illusion. Usually I'd just disregard and say goodbye, like a child who's lost interest after he discovered a magic trick isn't really magic after all.

When I felt her head, I woke up clutching my phone. Sleepily I checked the time. 7.49am. I noticed that someone sent me a message after I lamented to him about Eva's mistreatment the night before.

'Just love. Everything else will work itself out."